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Friday, May 8, 2015

Normalizing Violence & Unhealthy Behaviors

The NFL not only endorses their players to perform on the field but they also condone their bad behavior off the field by overlooking serious predictive signs of future violence. Here was a clear-cut opportunity to help a young man brighten his potential for healthier living. Not with money or prestige but with interpersonal success. Infants are not born violent they learn it through social tolerance, reward and lack of consequences. Given this fact, we need to play this out. Generational learning is most likely the culprit for the behaviors both Clark and Diamond experienced as a couple. The adults and mentors in their lives most likely demonstrated that it’s okay to hurt of be hurt by someone you love.

Diamond Hurt indicated that her siblings were not involved in the domestic violence Frank Clark perpetrated against her, yet sources state the kids ran for help crying out, “He killed Diamond.” Children are literal and when they see someone being choked and knocked out, it’s easy to conclude that someone is dead; and, that one experience has lasting and devastating consequences. These young children are forever changed as a result of one drunken night when a professional football player felt justified to hurt another person in front of children. What he did wasn’t just domestic violence; it was family violence. His one moment of indiscretion changed the future of these children. In many states when someone inflicts violence against another person in front of kids, they are charged with child abuse and mandated into treatment. Unfortunately, we’ve made getting help a bad thing. Instead of trying to figure out who’s guilty let’s figure out how to make these families whole. My experience shows that at least 40% of convicted abusers were actually victims and since the “guilty” party is mandated into therapy, the real violator walks free. My grandfather once told me when something happened he’d consequence all eight of his kids because he didn’t have time to figure out who was wrong. He would say this way he knew he got the right one. In most cases of domestic violence regardless of who is charged, the relationship continues and sadly they maintain the status quo because when nothing changes, nothing changes.

If we want to see change, everyone in the family needs treatment. They’re called relationships. The litmus test is that when two people are together as two halves, do they make a whole or a hole? Are they left feeling completed or defeated? Without the information necessary to make informed choices, people don’t know what they don’t know. They can’t improve their relationships until each person acknowledges their part in the dysfunction. Frank Clark has potential on and off the field if his new team does the intervention necessary for him to recover. Clark and Hurt both need replacement skills to learn to communicate and operate differently. The children who witnessed this event will need help processing the trauma they experienced before they adopt the behaviors as normal. We have to break the cycle of intergenerational violence that’s being modeled and show families how to live well. We could eradicate violence simply by promoting healthy alternatives. Everyone would benefit from addressing how to make this right rather than focusing on being right. Let’s change the playbook and strive toward healthy outcomes. Football players and other professional athletes should be held to a higher standard because of their immense power to influence our youth. Let’s look at domestic violence training as an opportunity rather than a punishment. Let’s get everyone involved in the dysfunctional relationship, involved in treatment. This way they can make informed decisions based on their newfound knowledge. A college education isn’t considered a punishment; on-the-job training is not considered a punishment; and getting help to live well shouldn’t be either. I’m asking Roger Goodell to campaign for a cause—Healthy Habits, Happy Homes. 

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