Intimate Terrorists

A discussion on the talk show Outnumbered and an online article from the HuffPost reported research claiming women’s aggression is just as violent as that of men. I'm perplexed as to why we want to continue finding someone to be the villain. Courts already struggle with calling it domestic violence because of the implications and consequences that label brings. We are at an impasse; our heels are dug in so deeply that fault has become the objective. I once spoke on a panel where men were cheering the praises of research with findings very similar to these. One audience participant proudly announced, “It’s terrific to finally know that men are right!” I retorted, “Why do we have to be right, why can’t we just make it right?” I knocked him off the blaming bandwagon and it was hard for anyone to argue my suggestion as it made sense.

Nevertheless, it seems someone has to be wrong, which creates a lose/lose situation in which nobody can really win. Family violence is everybody’s business and responsibility to thwart...everyone deserves to feel safe regardless of gender. We would be foolish to pretend that society doesn’t endorse violence whether is patriarchal, matriarchal, racially motivated or from affluenza (a disease sparked by wealth and privilege)…we see it everyday. Perhaps the difference now is that women’s aggressive behavior is being glamorized, promoting more violence. The study also noted that women are most aggressive toward men, while men are more aggressive toward other men. So what? Violence is violence no matter how it's packaged. We have bred protective instincts out of our DNA by rationalizing that couples fight, relationships are hard or finding a damsel in distress is good for the soul. It’s not. Let’s recognize the word stress in distress and stop minimizing poor communication skills by writing them off as bad days. Behavior is progressive and gets worse over time when people aren't given boundaries and limitations. The study also focused on young people in their late teens and early 20s. This is a time when hormones are raging and the brain's frontal lobe is not fully developed. These young adults aren't always capable of recognizing consequences. They don’t have a voice yet. They haven’t fully emancipated from their parents to develop healthy coping skills. They haven’t matured or discovered who they are yet. Is it fair to research an under-developed population and treat them as representative of stereotypical behavior or to make blanket statements that one sex is more aggressive or controlling than another? What’s the point? We need solutions not more problems. The money used for this study can have been better allocated to programs that teach resiliency, protective factors or assertiveness training.

Jodi Arias Trial Part II: Victim or Abuser?

Following up Tuesday's post about Travis Alexander and some of the predictors that could have revealed impending violence, today we look at factors to be considered when determining whether Jodi Arias was a victim or an abuser.

Factor 1: Before victims come to the agonizing conclusion that murder is their only option, most will exhaust every possible means to avoid the abuse and make every effort to fix their relationships. This is supported by volumes of research data and has been confirmed by my professional experience. Sadly, victims will do just about anything to make things right with their perpetrators because they have been conditioned and groomed to take ownership of the abuse. The duration and severity of the psychological torment that accompanies domestic violence leaves most victims desperate and fearful. Victims who have been cornered and trapped psychologically truly believe there is no other way out but murder. Many of these will have suffered in silence and been severely abused for years before they reach the point of lethality. Yet, contrary to common opinion, domestic violence victims have a great deal of resiliency that they build up over time – this is how they endure abusive relationships for so long. Early in relationships, victims are able to manage the psychological and emotional abuse that prepared them for eventual physical assault by their partners. Victims overcompensate to prevent abuse, yet they can often anticipate the next psychological blow. They make every effort to thwart the attacks—always assuming they can control the violent outbursts. Unfortunately, time and lack of accountability move abusers from subtle or implied threats to physical assault. Battered women’s syndrome is a process not a single event. It's not about the electric bill or someone not taking out the trash. Victims are groomed and isolated so abusers can indoctrinate them.

Factor 2: Battered victims who resort to lethality have doubt, reservation, hesitation and remorse. Based on interviews, news clips, and testimony, the behaviors in this case do not demonstrate that any of these conflicted feelings existed. Jodi indicated in her testimony that she had lied to preserve Travis’ reputation. I believe every behavior is motivated by an intention. Jodi's stated concern for Travis' reputation appears to contradict her leaving Travis naked and exposed after his murder. In my opinion, extreme humiliation—not preservation of reputation—would be the likely result of leaving him this way. Because most victims truly love their abusers, most would have covered up the perpetrator after committing murder to protect and preserve the victim's dignity.

Factor 3: Perpetrators meticulously maneuver to strip victims of their income, friends, family and resources to distort the victims’ perceptions. Most abuse recipients are not permitted to control their own lives; this manipulation by perpetrators is rooted in their deep fear of loss and abandonment. Therefore to launch a successful assault, abusers must control the propaganda to achieve and maintain brainwashing. It doesn’t appear that Jodi experienced any captivity—she was free to come and go as she pleased. She still had external input, access to money, a safe physical distance and a support system that she could depend upon.

Factor 4: Perpetrators don’t physically abuse until they feel they have to, and only after they interpret they have lost emotional control. A repetitive cycle of tension, explosion and relief occurs. In the early stages of abuse, remorse for bad behavior often accompanies the assaults where the perpetrator begs for forgiveness. The perpetrators’ tender regrets confuse the victims because the words and the actions don’t match and victims start feeling as if they're crazy. Perpetrators can lie much better than victims can tell the truth. Eventually a psychological break occurs and the victims become convinced they are the problem. The cycle then mutates and escalates up to tension and explosion—the honeymoon is over. When pleas for apologies become insincere in the victims’ eyes and their abusers know it, that is when the abusers feel the need to strike. While the cycle is different for everyone, in cases of physically battered persons—especially those experiencing syndrome patterns of behavior—emotional assaults are rampant long before a hand is ever raised. This does not mean that if you are emotionally abused you will be physically abuse, but it does mean if you are physically abused, the psychological blows came first.

Factor 5: Comparing her physical size to his, Jodi had to have caught Travis off guard in order to overpower him. Victims who have a gun would most likely lock their fingers on the trigger and rapid fire to ensure their assailant was stopped. The distance gives them the advantage to overtake their assailants. When there’s a pointed gun and the threat, “Stop or I’ll shoot” most people would comply. However, it seems more likely that Travis was trapped in the shower fighting for his life. Multiple stab wounds to the back, head and heart indicated a close-in attack.

Factor 6: Travis cherished his position in the community and most likely would have allowed Jodi to run out of the house, had she felt threatened, to preserve his flawless reputation. Based on friends’ comments and Travis' own statements, it could be argued that his community standing was more important to him than she was. Travis' behavior strongly suggests that he welcomed Jodi's departure from his life on many occasions, yet is not indicative of an abuser. He would not have wanted to risk the embarrassment of such exposure.

Factor 7: Jodi indicated that she experienced shaking like a Chihuahua when verbally confronted by people like Travis or prosecutor Juan Martinez. This textbook depiction is how many battered women describe their nervousness during domestic violence episodes. However, when retelling their stories, victims typically reenact the violence through their body language, tone and facial expressions. Jodi's observable body language during testimony and while making statements outside of court displayed no evidence of a personal and emotional recounting of traumatic events. 

Jodi Arias Trial Part I - Predictors of Violence

The world has been captivated by the Jodi Arias trial for months and the defendant’s accusations regarding her former boyfriend, Travis Alexander, have been cataclysmic and have come at a huge price for victims of domestic violence around the world. This post is going to attempt to explain why I believe that significant damage has been done to the victims across our nation. The woman on trial says she was abused and claims to be suffering from “battered women’s syndrome” (BWS). The word syndrome by definition is a pattern of symptoms indicative of some disorder. Battered persons who have endured the isolation, indoctrination, demoralization and the pain inflicted upon them develop these patterns of behavior – observed as symptoms – in order to survive. When people without observed or documented symptoms use this defense it minimizes the plight of abused persons around the globe. There are numerous features that constitute BWS and if Jodi truly does not meet those criteria, the results of this trial could be catastrophic to battered women everywhere and undo the legal successes of those that have suffered at the hands of an intimate partner. If she does not meet the established BWS criteria, a verdict less than premeditated murder has the potential to ignite and repeat threats that occurred for months after the verdict was announce in the Nicole Brown-Simpson murder. The damage from that verdict was felt by many victims of domestic abuse: a number of my clients reported that their perpetrators threatened them with variations of “You better watch yourself or I’ll give you some OJ with your breakfast.” While Jodi's defense team’s attempt at saving their client’s life may be successful, they potentially risk the safety for thousands of people unquestionably suffering from BWS. After evaluating the testimony and the evidence presented, along with my work in the trenches with victims of domestic violence, I’ve concluded that this is indeed a domestic violence case. Unfortunately, based on the information publicly available, my belief is that the wrong person is getting all the attention as the victim. Travis, a strong and powerful man, became a victim long before his murder was committed. With this in mind, I am going to share my conclusions about how this tragedy could – and should – have been predicted, based on my professional knowledge and the information presented prior to and during the trial.

Part I will look at predictors of violence from Travis' perspective and share how future victims could learn from this tragedy.

Predictor 1: Travis and his friends knew that something wasn’t right with this relationship. According to interviews with friends, many tried to warn him after his tires were slashed multiple times. They all believed they knew who was responsible, yet no police reports were ever filed. Destruction of personal property is against the law and is punishable so you may ask why he didn’t follow through. Simple: society tells men they need to put on their big boy boxers and man-up when put in this kind of position. Victims – especially male victims – should just write off their partner's bad behavior and assume the temper tantrum will end soon.

Predictor 2: Travis verbally forecasted his own death by warning his loved ones that if he didn’t show up then they would “know who to blame.” Many victims prepare for and express concern about their impending deaths. They often make wills, tell people how to take care of their kids, write goodbye letters or leave pictures of the abuse so their killers will eventually be caught. Travis expressed discomfort with what was happening; yet nobody acted on this or took the cues seriously. Was his discomfort because Jodi had demonstrated behaviors he thought were not-quite-right (NQR)? Perhaps, though we'll never know for sure. Notably, as a society we have normalized psychotic behavior by devaluing the word 'crazy.' I often hear generalizations such as, “Oh that Bitch is crazy!” When people hack into emails, voicemails and enter bedrooms without being invited, they should be considered dangerous and may indeed be insane—this type of intrusive, abnormal behavior could really be because a person is crazy.

Predictor 3: Travis began hiding his relationship with Jodi from others. He was meeting her secretively because his friends didn’t understand why he would keep seeing her. Victims often lose friends and loved ones when they refuse to abandon an intimate relationship; the friends feel distress and unease watching the abuse and simply remove themselves from their source of discomfort. So why would a battered person remain in an abusive relationship? Most people don’t understand that danger and love excite the same part of the brain. Although his internal alert system was partially functioning, Travis was likely confused by the exciting sex, the amazing weekend excursions and the thrill of secrecy. Abusive relationships involving male victims could figuratively be viewed much like the mating ritual of the praying mantis. The male knows there is an element of danger, but he risks his life anyway in order to mate. Sometimes he gets lucky and escapes; other times the female rips the male's head off and tears him apart limb-by-limb.