Perspirator or Perpetrator-Take 2

While taking a stroll with my husband, Alan, another disturbing experience on the Highland Canal bike path occurred. A man clearly out of place had stopped on his bike next to a group of little girls who were playing at a park just1000 feet from the path. He stared at these children with intensity like he was watching a porn flick. It was so disturbing I asked Alan to stop so we could keep the girls safe. We pretended to enjoy the scenery just to keep our eye on him because after my last blog about a suspicious character on the path, a teenager was assaulted a mere 9 days later. At the time, we couldn’t do anything about the guy because he was only looking suspicious. My heart fell when I heard the news and I began to weep as I talked to the crime stoppers’ hotline. This unfortunate assault could have been prevented. I then emailed my blog article to Channel 7 news as soon as I learned the teenage girl was assaulted but neither the police nor the news contacted me for further information.

Therefore, witnessing another potential crime in the same general area as the teenager’s assault, we decided to be the Path Patrol in order to prevent these three little girls or anyone else for that matter from being hurt. We approached the kids and pointed the man out hoping he would see we were talking about him yet he continued staring. He moved his bike in two-feet increments then turned back to stare at them. Eventually he noticed our presence and moved forward about 100 feet to see if we’d moved on. We decided to stay behind him and watch him. He started hiding his face as it became clear we were following him. Soon another strange man joined him on the path and we simply watched them. The older man started scouting out different avenues they could take. He pointed out an area on the Cherry Creek path as though they were recalculating their next move and resorting to Plan B. The older guy soon realized we were suspicious and pretended he didn’t know where he was by asking us which path led to Parker Road. I deliberately pointed in the opposite direction that would have kept him on the Highland Canal path because we witnessed him instructing his partner to go on Cherry Creek. He looked confuses and froze seemingly not knowing what to do when he was misdirected. I think he anticipated we’d tell him to go in the direction he instructed his friend to follow. His friend had gone ahead on the Cherry Creek Path and had stopped to wait on him—watching us. Alan and I decided to go in the direction of his friend and the old man just stood there seemingly perplexed. We followed the younger man on the bike for about 30 minutes because the guy would only move a foot or two waiting for his partner who we must of spooked off because the guy never caught up to him. We warned a mother of three to stick close together as they passed the guy on the bike. I looked at the man and gesture in a manner that would suggest we were talking about him and then the mother took my lead and scoped him out. We did this to show him silently we were watching him—hoping to thwart any possible attack. Alan and I watched her pass the man and then we went to a nearby bridge and watched him for about 10 more minutes. The path was finally beginning to fill up with other bicyclists and runners, so we decided we could stop standing guard and finish our walk.

Were these two men simply exploring nature or were they looking for prey? My guess is the latter because their attire didn’t look appropriate for the path. They kept meeting up at different places as to not be too obvious and the one would not show his face. One might think that the older guy was just an old man out for a stroll but his bizarre behavior suggested otherwise.

This is the third “alleged” crime we’ve witnessed in the last month and I am disturbed by the lack of response I’ve gotten. Our children are being stalked, assaulted, raped and murdered and the unsettling feeling these guys created for us made us believe they were looking around for their next victim. I am forwarding a picture of the two men in an effort to protect others but not to assume these two were anything but weird (hopefully). In this country we are innocent until proven guilty but there isn’t any reason why we cannot be aware of the dangers out there. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

Domestic and Family Violence: Get the Picture

I am doing a 2nd edition on my book, "Breaking Free, Starting Over: Parenting in the Aftermath of Family Violence." To the untrained eye, domestic violence and child abuse are hard to picture. We are not there to capture the screams, the blood and the tears shed. But with the recent attention the NFL has received on domestic violence and child abuse, people appear outraged. My question is what do  people think domestic violence and family violence look like? I was unsurprised by Ray Rice's actions because the video is EXACTLY what domestic violence looks like.  And Adrian Peterson's switch-yeilding beating is PRECISELY what child abuse happens. Now that we get the picture let's apply it to everyone who suffers with abuse and become intolerant. Let's stay on this bandwagon and shift our paradigm. No excuse for abuse!

People with abusive tendencies are often charismatic, good looking and successful. Unhealthy people don't always look like hunchback monsters and they live in every socioeconomic group. They are everyday people who have had violence role modeled to them as not only acceptable but effective in getting their needs met. Their actions, whether wittingly or unwittingly, are learned as children and passed down through the generations. In order to stop abuse however we need to start looking for solutions. I have worked for 30 years with people who have abused their families and most welcome healthy tools to make their lives different. To make the abuse stop however we have to be intolerant of excuses and expect healthier role modeling from those who are in positions to change society's views on battering. Athletes, for example, do not spit on referees because it's not tolerated and there are consequences that matter to them. Instead of focusing on the problem let's use preexisting methods that work to generate solutions like clear consequences and firm expectations. Zero tolerance. Maybe more importantly, telling people what you want from them rather than what you don't want, often motivates change. Give them tools to do it right. Power and control over your life is what everyone wants. When you don't have power and control that is when you want to use power and control over others. Providing tools that assist with managing life successfully, and well, naturally attrits the violent behaviors.

Our most precious commodity is our children and they are witnessing violence and learning to use it as a means to getting what they want. Everyone deserves to be heard and to get their needs met appropriately so if we listen and regard our families with respect and honor, kids will learn compassion, patience and peace. They can get what they want without anyone else being hurt. We need to reexamine what we think domestic and family abuse look like and then take actions to stop the violence

NFL & Domestic Violence: When Money Matters More…

The NFL made a monumental move by attempting to tackle domestic violence and now are rolling over because money talks, so abusers walk. It seems the league has intercepted the first ever outrage and is supporting violence against vulnerable women and children. It appears that Peterson’s team lost its momentum and seems willing to overlook assault so they can win. Money matters more so they’re going to welcome him to play. The messages sent to victims are, “You must live in fear…and nobody’s stepping in.” If the league wants to let the legal process play out maybe Peterson and his other abusing buddies should play without pay and donate the proceeds to assist victims with the therapy they’ll need to recover from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If they really respect the game and want the privilege to play football, they’ll do what they have to do to stay in the game.  Peterson, Rice, Hardy and McDonald’s behaviors disgrace the teams they represent. They are not being held accountable. They don’t have to take accountability.

Domestic violence in the NFL has been exposed. The waking giant has been provoked and is finally paying attention. The choice to reinstate, bring back or caudle these abominations is greedy and irresponsible. What does it take before we stop tolerating this, another OJ? When are we going to take family violence seriously? The sad part of all of this, besides the obvious, is that domestic violence can be changed. It can be eradicated. People who commit family violence are simply acting out their past with societal tolerance, endorsement, reward and passivity. Abusers don’t know what they don’t know but by ignoring the atrocities we only perpetuate and guarantee further trauma.

These players need education. They need to recognize their unhealthy behaviors. They need assistance with understanding what they’ve done. Treating them like privileged elitists instead of making them accountable is an atrocity. This is a sad day for victims as they now know they can’t get away. Domestic violence is about power and control. We just taught women and children that if you love abusers you’ve made your bed and you need to lie in it. We judge victims by asking them why they stay but then we turn our backs by rewarding their assailants and judge the victims when they tell or leave. Shame, shame, shame on the powers-that-be who are more concerned with the bottom line. Letting money matter more does an injustice to families and society.