Clarence Thomas and Domestic Disputes

As a family advocate fighting for the rights of people to feel free from violence, I find Clarence Thomas’ argument about misdemeanors and guns ignorant and naive. The reason many domestic disputes are misdemeanor is because for far too long we have viewed violence in the home as a private matter and society hasn’t been willing to give consequences for the outrageous behavior. Men, women and children are maimed and murdered annually after years of severe emotional, financial, sexual and physical abuse. Often convictions are guessing games and the persons with the abusive tendencies walk away with a mere slap on the wrist and then turn around and annihilate their families. Family members being assaulted learn that they have no recourse and must endure the extreme abuse often subjecting their children to a life harsher than a warzone. What most people don’t recognize about family violence including our great leader here is psychopathy is a progressive disorder, which is a grooming process where each assault, whether emotional or otherwise, increasingly worsens—eventually leading to trauma and a spectrum of mental health issues for everyone exposed to the intensity. I have been a proponent of using education and treatment FIRST to assist families in the earlier stages of family violence instead of punishment but the issue is so polarized because everyone’s looking for the bad guy. If we required the entire family to get intervention services maybe people could maintain their rights to bear arms while guaranteeing the safety of others— saving lives and allowing families to live violence-free. Unfortunately, we’re looking for someone to take the rap but we’re missing the mark, as 40% of convicted people at least in my program were actually the ones who got assaulted. We’re judging families through shame for being “stupid” enough to stay yet handing kids over to violent parents for leaving giving the abusive persons access to assault their children and torment the protective parents. We’re unwittingly locking parents and partners into battering relationships for years because we don’t want to take away their rights or subject them to anything, which could tarnish their reputations. If people don’t want to lose their rights to bear arms THEN STOP hurting others. Simple as that! But to accomplish this feat we must reframe how we see violence and help families educate themselves on how to live differently. I have worked with many people with abusive tendencies and they change when they understand they can get their needs met without using violence and people who are abused learn that what they were exposed to wasn’t normal. In order to tackle violence, we must recognize the early warning signs. If you threaten to blow up an airport or shoot a supreme-court justice, it is automatically considered more than a misdemeanor so let’s make our families just as important. Why should the elite be entitled to protection when the vulnerable are ignored?  

Domestic and Family Violence: Get the Picture

I am doing a 2nd edition on my book, "Breaking Free, Starting Over: Parenting in the Aftermath of Family Violence." To the untrained eye, domestic violence and child abuse are hard to picture. We are not there to capture the screams, the blood and the tears shed. But with the recent attention the NFL has received on domestic violence and child abuse, people appear outraged. My question is what do  people think domestic violence and family violence look like? I was unsurprised by Ray Rice's actions because the video is EXACTLY what domestic violence looks like.  And Adrian Peterson's switch-yeilding beating is PRECISELY what child abuse happens. Now that we get the picture let's apply it to everyone who suffers with abuse and become intolerant. Let's stay on this bandwagon and shift our paradigm. No excuse for abuse!

People with abusive tendencies are often charismatic, good looking and successful. Unhealthy people don't always look like hunchback monsters and they live in every socioeconomic group. They are everyday people who have had violence role modeled to them as not only acceptable but effective in getting their needs met. Their actions, whether wittingly or unwittingly, are learned as children and passed down through the generations. In order to stop abuse however we need to start looking for solutions. I have worked for 30 years with people who have abused their families and most welcome healthy tools to make their lives different. To make the abuse stop however we have to be intolerant of excuses and expect healthier role modeling from those who are in positions to change society's views on battering. Athletes, for example, do not spit on referees because it's not tolerated and there are consequences that matter to them. Instead of focusing on the problem let's use preexisting methods that work to generate solutions like clear consequences and firm expectations. Zero tolerance. Maybe more importantly, telling people what you want from them rather than what you don't want, often motivates change. Give them tools to do it right. Power and control over your life is what everyone wants. When you don't have power and control that is when you want to use power and control over others. Providing tools that assist with managing life successfully, and well, naturally attrits the violent behaviors.

Our most precious commodity is our children and they are witnessing violence and learning to use it as a means to getting what they want. Everyone deserves to be heard and to get their needs met appropriately so if we listen and regard our families with respect and honor, kids will learn compassion, patience and peace. They can get what they want without anyone else being hurt. We need to reexamine what we think domestic and family abuse look like and then take actions to stop the violence

NFL & Domestic Violence: When Money Matters More…

The NFL made a monumental move by attempting to tackle domestic violence and now are rolling over because money talks, so abusers walk. It seems the league has intercepted the first ever outrage and is supporting violence against vulnerable women and children. It appears that Peterson’s team lost its momentum and seems willing to overlook assault so they can win. Money matters more so they’re going to welcome him to play. The messages sent to victims are, “You must live in fear…and nobody’s stepping in.” If the league wants to let the legal process play out maybe Peterson and his other abusing buddies should play without pay and donate the proceeds to assist victims with the therapy they’ll need to recover from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If they really respect the game and want the privilege to play football, they’ll do what they have to do to stay in the game.  Peterson, Rice, Hardy and McDonald’s behaviors disgrace the teams they represent. They are not being held accountable. They don’t have to take accountability.

Domestic violence in the NFL has been exposed. The waking giant has been provoked and is finally paying attention. The choice to reinstate, bring back or caudle these abominations is greedy and irresponsible. What does it take before we stop tolerating this, another OJ? When are we going to take family violence seriously? The sad part of all of this, besides the obvious, is that domestic violence can be changed. It can be eradicated. People who commit family violence are simply acting out their past with societal tolerance, endorsement, reward and passivity. Abusers don’t know what they don’t know but by ignoring the atrocities we only perpetuate and guarantee further trauma.

These players need education. They need to recognize their unhealthy behaviors. They need assistance with understanding what they’ve done. Treating them like privileged elitists instead of making them accountable is an atrocity. This is a sad day for victims as they now know they can’t get away. Domestic violence is about power and control. We just taught women and children that if you love abusers you’ve made your bed and you need to lie in it. We judge victims by asking them why they stay but then we turn our backs by rewarding their assailants and judge the victims when they tell or leave. Shame, shame, shame on the powers-that-be who are more concerned with the bottom line. Letting money matter more does an injustice to families and society.

Perpetrating Parents: They’ll Make You Crazy

There comes a point when victims leave their abusers because they have finally recognized the significant and damaging impact the emotional and physical violence has had on their children. Often when victims are asked why they stay with their abusers, they say because of the kids. But when asked why they left their abusers, ironically, they admit for the same reason—because of the kids. Abusers controlled their families during the relationship but after the victims have fled with their kids, the batterers must find ways to forces the victims to return. This is when abusers exploit, recruit or threaten some type of harm toward the kids. The abusers’ escalating deviant behaviors becomes so outrageous that the average person cannot imagine the hell these victims face. Victims try to report the atrocities but they are minimized, ignored and even told they are crazy. The persistent negative reinforcement by society creates confusion for the victims and they start to believe that they are the problem.

In this series I will share stories of outrageous violent behavior in hopes that knowledge of perpetrator behavior may assist families trying to escape the madness. The first case involves an abusive mother who wanted her ex-husband to pay for “abandoning” her. She started threatening her children and telling them that their father would stop loving them like he stopped loving her. She didn’t like that her children were close to their stepmother so she inflicted high levels of guilt on them saying she carried them in her womb for 9-months, that she was their mother and that the kids owed her. She accused them of caring more about having fun than being loyal. After months and months of emotionally beating her children up, they decided it would be best to live with her so maybe she would stop being so angry and vengeful. She recruited her children to lie and make excuses for not wanting to visit their dad. She threatened to expose them for saying bad things about their stepmother stating that their father would hate them. Their fear of being completely abandoned by their dad dissuaded them from engaging with him and his new wife. The children were forced to suffer in silence.

She wanted to punish her victim financially, so she refused to let the kids see him and she was able to demonstrate to the court that she had them more overnights than he did. Not only did his lawyer (and hers) rewarded her for being a bully, but worse, they claimed that he was being irresponsible as a father and that his children needed to stand up to their mother and stop being sissies if they didn't like their situation. The system disregarded her accountability and left the victims feeling helpless and alone. The victim reported that this abuser stalked, harassed and emotionally abused those around her but they ignored his pleas. 

Moving from Survivor to Thriver

I was given the most amazing honor to publish this letter from a woman who has moved beyond violence and is learning to live again. She identified herself as a survivor, but after more careful examination I would elevate her to a “thriver” as her words show just how strong her constitution is and, in my humble opinion, she is on her way to greatness. To thrive means to grow vigorously and healthily and to be successful. This compelling letter touched me and is truly representative of those who no longer want to identify with being victims. At the end of her message I will add a commentary to assist others who desire to move beyond their past.

Survivor – one who lives through affliction?

Survivor – one who survives in spite of adversity

To survive is to – remain alive or in existence. To carry on despite hardships or trauma; and to persevere; to live and persist; to cope with trauma and remain alive in existence; to continue to function and withstand.

I, Andrea, am a survivor. I have the ability to withstand the abuse.

I withstood your abuse. I withstood your abuse even after fleeing from you physically.

I conquered (to gain mastery over or win by overcoming obstacles or opposition, to overcome by mental or moral power) my fear – YOU. I prevailed over your abuse.

I reached the top of the mountain and overcame the rough rocky journey. I prevailed through all the cuts, bruises, falling down, and sexual, physical and mental pain.

I prevailed over years of abuse and continued abuse through the courts, your words and actions.

I have strength (the quality or state of being strong – capacity for exertion or endurance).

I have a strong attribute – the ability to withstand. I have the capacity to endure much. I resisted attack – beat down after beat down – I resisted the death!! I resisted the death of my soul and spirit. I resisted the death of myself – only to live again but now with much more faith and love and beauty and strength.

I have great physical strength – I have great physical power to endure beat down after beat down – kick after kick, slap after slap, bruise after bruise, batter after batter – I am still standing – all physically in one piece I had the physical power to endure all that and more and not strike back.

I am tenacious – I have showed the power to resist and endure stress, pain and mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, sexual and physical abuse.

I have a strong determination of spirit to make a better life for my kids than living in fear and walking on egg shells, being controlled by guilt and fear. Being told I never did anything right; to have or feel any kind of love was conditional on whether I was doing things HIS way and HIS way only. I have the strong determination of spirit for my kids to be happy and healthy. To be loved unconditionally and to feel secure in whom they are and what they do. To feel secure enough to speak their mind and have their own feelings and not live each minute because of guilt or fear. I have the strong determination of spirit to stop the cycle of domestic violence and addiction. I have set a higher standard of self-worth for my children and to strive for and know the best.

I am resilient to all the attacks and beat downs you may aim at me and have aimed at me. I am a strong, resilient, intelligent, capable, loving, lovable, outgoing, fearless-of-you woman. I can and have endured many nightmares, many blows to my head, heart and spirit! But look at me – I am still standing strong and even stronger than before. My kids are beautiful, my life is beautiful and the joy radiates from their hearts because I, Andrea, AM A SURVIVOR. This is what I have given myself and my kids: the tenacity to endure when the mountain gets too steep and keep on climbing because after all the hard work, sweat, heartache and tears – I have overcome, I have reached to top of the mountain and the air is clean, the sun is shining ever so beautiful and I am FREE – I AM FREE. My heart is open and I can breath – I can feel and I can smile – I am FREE I am FREE. I have endured! I have with stood and I have overcome….I am a strong survivor.

Andrea, your words strongly resonated with me and I’m sure they will with others who have traveled on similar paths. The picture you paint demonstrates the journey you have taken. As I felt your words, I could visualize the peak of the mountain and could see you taking another trail down on the other side. Taking this new route makes it possible for you to recognize new unfamiliar beauty that has not been seen before. Each scenic view is exciting and fresh but most importantly the breathtaking views have no reminders of your past. Thrivers truly have moved forward when they stop letting abusers rent space in their heads. Thrivers really have left the relationship—not just physically but emotionally as well. They no longer replay the horrific snippets of their history but rather they chose to move forward and strong. Thrivers hit the delete button and only allow positive thoughts to consume them. They have stopped asking why they were abused because there is no why. Andrea, you have survived and I believe you are also thriving on many days. An old Chinese proverb suggests that a journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step. You are well on your way. Thank you for your strength and inspiration!

There is no “why”

Ripped from the headlines: murders are rampantly occurring throughout the world but rarely do the articles identify these atrocities as domestic or family violence. Just this morning there were four murders that I found at a quick glance: one of a mother who shot her children and herself, one was an adult son who murdered his aging mother two years after he assaulted his aging father, one was a cold case involving two sisters, and one was an adolescent who killed his sibling while in fostercare placement.

People don't see domestic and family violence as a serious problem because these cases are not presented in the most obvious light for people to become outraged. Often there are warning signs that tell us there is impending danger; many of these senseless deaths could have been prevented. Unfortunately, the subject is extremely uncomfortable and the average person cannot wrap their brain around the deviant thinking of the murderers. The perpetrator's cognitive distortions and their potential lethalities are dismissed. I hear repeatedly in the news that authorities don't know the motive. Here's the simple truth, there is no reason, there is no why. There is no rational explanation that we can accept for why a mother kills her kids, an adult son kills an aging parent, a prominent and success man kills his beautiful wife and successful sister-in-law, or a teen kills a precious little child. We're spending too much time addressing the problem rather than finding the solutions.

There are normally precursors to violence; far too often these get overlooked, minimized or dismissed as irrelevant. In each of these cases, it doesn't take a far stretch of the imagination to see that these murderers were boiling under the surface like a pressurized geyser ready to blow. My experience has shown me that pent up rage, in conjunction with poor coping skills, festers over time. Eventually, the perpetrators give themselves permission to take what they think is theirs and do what they want. It's also about entitlement and lack of accountability. They equate relationships with ownership.

My take is that anyone can change when they recognize they need help, but our society has to acknowledge that these maladaptive behaviors need to be adjusted . I work with a full range of clients from incarcerated substance abusers to convicted child abusers. In almost every case, the clients have experienced some type of adverse childhood experiences (ACE) or traumas. If you have an interest in traumatized people, I suggest reading the ACE Study – you'll find the reports amazing.

Another erroneous conclusion that many have subscribed to is that power and control are the problems. In my humble opinion, power and control are the solutions. My rational? When people have power and control over their lives they don't need power and control over others. When profiling perpetrators we need to see that they have been emotionally stripped of competence and confidence and what they are doing is referred to as learned helplessness, essentially “I'm going to get you before you get me.” They feel scared, defeated, worthless and vulnerable. The end result is consistent: hurt people hurt people—period!

We welcome your comments or questions.