Perpetrating Parents: They’ll Make You Crazy

There comes a point when victims leave their abusers because they have finally recognized the significant and damaging impact the emotional and physical violence has had on their children. Often when victims are asked why they stay with their abusers, they say because of the kids. But when asked why they left their abusers, ironically, they admit for the same reason—because of the kids. Abusers controlled their families during the relationship but after the victims have fled with their kids, the batterers must find ways to forces the victims to return. This is when abusers exploit, recruit or threaten some type of harm toward the kids. The abusers’ escalating deviant behaviors becomes so outrageous that the average person cannot imagine the hell these victims face. Victims try to report the atrocities but they are minimized, ignored and even told they are crazy. The persistent negative reinforcement by society creates confusion for the victims and they start to believe that they are the problem.

In this series I will share stories of outrageous violent behavior in hopes that knowledge of perpetrator behavior may assist families trying to escape the madness. The first case involves an abusive mother who wanted her ex-husband to pay for “abandoning” her. She started threatening her children and telling them that their father would stop loving them like he stopped loving her. She didn’t like that her children were close to their stepmother so she inflicted high levels of guilt on them saying she carried them in her womb for 9-months, that she was their mother and that the kids owed her. She accused them of caring more about having fun than being loyal. After months and months of emotionally beating her children up, they decided it would be best to live with her so maybe she would stop being so angry and vengeful. She recruited her children to lie and make excuses for not wanting to visit their dad. She threatened to expose them for saying bad things about their stepmother stating that their father would hate them. Their fear of being completely abandoned by their dad dissuaded them from engaging with him and his new wife. The children were forced to suffer in silence.

She wanted to punish her victim financially, so she refused to let the kids see him and she was able to demonstrate to the court that she had them more overnights than he did. Not only did his lawyer (and hers) rewarded her for being a bully, but worse, they claimed that he was being irresponsible as a father and that his children needed to stand up to their mother and stop being sissies if they didn't like their situation. The system disregarded her accountability and left the victims feeling helpless and alone. The victim reported that this abuser stalked, harassed and emotionally abused those around her but they ignored his pleas. 

Moving from Survivor to Thriver

I was given the most amazing honor to publish this letter from a woman who has moved beyond violence and is learning to live again. She identified herself as a survivor, but after more careful examination I would elevate her to a “thriver” as her words show just how strong her constitution is and, in my humble opinion, she is on her way to greatness. To thrive means to grow vigorously and healthily and to be successful. This compelling letter touched me and is truly representative of those who no longer want to identify with being victims. At the end of her message I will add a commentary to assist others who desire to move beyond their past.

Survivor – one who lives through affliction?

Survivor – one who survives in spite of adversity

To survive is to – remain alive or in existence. To carry on despite hardships or trauma; and to persevere; to live and persist; to cope with trauma and remain alive in existence; to continue to function and withstand.

I, Andrea, am a survivor. I have the ability to withstand the abuse.

I withstood your abuse. I withstood your abuse even after fleeing from you physically.

I conquered (to gain mastery over or win by overcoming obstacles or opposition, to overcome by mental or moral power) my fear – YOU. I prevailed over your abuse.

I reached the top of the mountain and overcame the rough rocky journey. I prevailed through all the cuts, bruises, falling down, and sexual, physical and mental pain.

I prevailed over years of abuse and continued abuse through the courts, your words and actions.

I have strength (the quality or state of being strong – capacity for exertion or endurance).

I have a strong attribute – the ability to withstand. I have the capacity to endure much. I resisted attack – beat down after beat down – I resisted the death!! I resisted the death of my soul and spirit. I resisted the death of myself – only to live again but now with much more faith and love and beauty and strength.

I have great physical strength – I have great physical power to endure beat down after beat down – kick after kick, slap after slap, bruise after bruise, batter after batter – I am still standing – all physically in one piece I had the physical power to endure all that and more and not strike back.

I am tenacious – I have showed the power to resist and endure stress, pain and mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, sexual and physical abuse.

I have a strong determination of spirit to make a better life for my kids than living in fear and walking on egg shells, being controlled by guilt and fear. Being told I never did anything right; to have or feel any kind of love was conditional on whether I was doing things HIS way and HIS way only. I have the strong determination of spirit for my kids to be happy and healthy. To be loved unconditionally and to feel secure in whom they are and what they do. To feel secure enough to speak their mind and have their own feelings and not live each minute because of guilt or fear. I have the strong determination of spirit to stop the cycle of domestic violence and addiction. I have set a higher standard of self-worth for my children and to strive for and know the best.

I am resilient to all the attacks and beat downs you may aim at me and have aimed at me. I am a strong, resilient, intelligent, capable, loving, lovable, outgoing, fearless-of-you woman. I can and have endured many nightmares, many blows to my head, heart and spirit! But look at me – I am still standing strong and even stronger than before. My kids are beautiful, my life is beautiful and the joy radiates from their hearts because I, Andrea, AM A SURVIVOR. This is what I have given myself and my kids: the tenacity to endure when the mountain gets too steep and keep on climbing because after all the hard work, sweat, heartache and tears – I have overcome, I have reached to top of the mountain and the air is clean, the sun is shining ever so beautiful and I am FREE – I AM FREE. My heart is open and I can breath – I can feel and I can smile – I am FREE I am FREE. I have endured! I have with stood and I have overcome….I am a strong survivor.

Andrea, your words strongly resonated with me and I’m sure they will with others who have traveled on similar paths. The picture you paint demonstrates the journey you have taken. As I felt your words, I could visualize the peak of the mountain and could see you taking another trail down on the other side. Taking this new route makes it possible for you to recognize new unfamiliar beauty that has not been seen before. Each scenic view is exciting and fresh but most importantly the breathtaking views have no reminders of your past. Thrivers truly have moved forward when they stop letting abusers rent space in their heads. Thrivers really have left the relationship—not just physically but emotionally as well. They no longer replay the horrific snippets of their history but rather they chose to move forward and strong. Thrivers hit the delete button and only allow positive thoughts to consume them. They have stopped asking why they were abused because there is no why. Andrea, you have survived and I believe you are also thriving on many days. An old Chinese proverb suggests that a journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step. You are well on your way. Thank you for your strength and inspiration!

Jodi Arias Trial Part IV: Questions for the Expert

Continuation of Jodi Arias Trial Part III: Questions for the Expert

Jodi Arias Trial – Questions for the Expert

Isn't it true that isolation is the primary root to domestic terrorism that forces victims into murder? Victimization occurs through indoctrination, which requires isolation. In order to control a victim's mind, no other input can be available so that the perpetrators can promote their propaganda. In this case, it doesn’t appear that any lifelines had been severed. Ms Arias had complete freedom to come and go as she wished as was evident by her trips between California and Arizona. Without isolation, it is highly improbable for her to have become a victim of this type of terrorism. Nor is it possible that any gaslighting was going on here. In the final analysis, victims who murder do so because they are cornered and have no other way out.

Isn't it true that victims leave and go back to their perpetrator several times over the course of the relationship? Isn't it possible that a victim might call or go on vacation with their perpetrator during one of those times, even if the victim was fearful? Yes and yes! Victims leave an abusive relationship an average of seven times before they terminate completely. Many times victims go back because they are promised that things will change; at first perpetrators may demonstrate good behavior and infuse the rekindled relationship with positive experiences such as good sex and wonderful vacations in an effort to make the relationship better. The victims will then rationalize that this time it will be different. They think that maybe the couple just needs to get away from the stress in their lives. But the good feelings are temporary and the abuse resumes, often with a new heightened level of escalation. Sadly, during post-relationship treatment, victims often report that they cannot believe how stupid they were. As discussed earlier, victims take full responsibility for the abuse instead of blaming the perpetrators for their actions. Notably, Jodi Arias has never taken responsibility for her alleged abuse.

How would you describe expert witness bias? A therapist is never supposed to say that a client feels this way or that way. They are supposed to make assessments using verbiage such as, “The client appeared to be fearful as was evidenced by…” Nobody can determine what another person feels or thinks and a therapist is supposed to back everything up with concrete behavioral responses that might support that feeling. Because other people were not thoroughly questioned to challenge the reports of abuse, the DV expert's opinion is inappropriate. It is unethical for an expert witness who is assessing guilt or innocence to act as a defendants’ therapist. Giving books and magazines to assist accused so they can formulate a story to excuse murder is a gross miscarriage of justice. When someone fulfilling an expert witness role provides therapy to the clients it is referred to as a dual relationship and, in Colorado anyway, the expert/therapist would be grieved and sanctioned by the regulatory agency for misconduct. Giving how-to manuals to murder suspects is like giving a bomb making kit with instructions to a terrorist. Knowledge is power and in this case, textbook examples are being used to defame, discredit and dehumanize the murder victim. Finally, in my opinion, it is a moral and ethical obligation of any professional to adequately prepare for the job they are being paid to do. By not reviewing all available sources and questioning eyewitnesses to case issues, the expert appears to have turned a blind-eye toward the defendant and placed the finger of blame squarely on the murder victim.

There is no “why”

Ripped from the headlines: murders are rampantly occurring throughout the world but rarely do the articles identify these atrocities as domestic or family violence. Just this morning there were four murders that I found at a quick glance: one of a mother who shot her children and herself, one was an adult son who murdered his aging mother two years after he assaulted his aging father, one was a cold case involving two sisters, and one was an adolescent who killed his sibling while in fostercare placement.

People don't see domestic and family violence as a serious problem because these cases are not presented in the most obvious light for people to become outraged. Often there are warning signs that tell us there is impending danger; many of these senseless deaths could have been prevented. Unfortunately, the subject is extremely uncomfortable and the average person cannot wrap their brain around the deviant thinking of the murderers. The perpetrator's cognitive distortions and their potential lethalities are dismissed. I hear repeatedly in the news that authorities don't know the motive. Here's the simple truth, there is no reason, there is no why. There is no rational explanation that we can accept for why a mother kills her kids, an adult son kills an aging parent, a prominent and success man kills his beautiful wife and successful sister-in-law, or a teen kills a precious little child. We're spending too much time addressing the problem rather than finding the solutions.

There are normally precursors to violence; far too often these get overlooked, minimized or dismissed as irrelevant. In each of these cases, it doesn't take a far stretch of the imagination to see that these murderers were boiling under the surface like a pressurized geyser ready to blow. My experience has shown me that pent up rage, in conjunction with poor coping skills, festers over time. Eventually, the perpetrators give themselves permission to take what they think is theirs and do what they want. It's also about entitlement and lack of accountability. They equate relationships with ownership.

My take is that anyone can change when they recognize they need help, but our society has to acknowledge that these maladaptive behaviors need to be adjusted . I work with a full range of clients from incarcerated substance abusers to convicted child abusers. In almost every case, the clients have experienced some type of adverse childhood experiences (ACE) or traumas. If you have an interest in traumatized people, I suggest reading the ACE Study – you'll find the reports amazing.

Another erroneous conclusion that many have subscribed to is that power and control are the problems. In my humble opinion, power and control are the solutions. My rational? When people have power and control over their lives they don't need power and control over others. When profiling perpetrators we need to see that they have been emotionally stripped of competence and confidence and what they are doing is referred to as learned helplessness, essentially “I'm going to get you before you get me.” They feel scared, defeated, worthless and vulnerable. The end result is consistent: hurt people hurt people—period!

We welcome your comments or questions.